Wipe feet here!

Both boys are still in bed at 3pm. I went to the village for shopping, they did not eat dinner till 7pm. I gave eldest a tablet, I was actually praying that he did not come near me once the tablet had kicked in and then lecture me on subjects I am not in the least bit interested in. I need to work out how I get back in “I am the parent” mode as they are walking all over me and wiping their bloody feet on me too, I am sick of being bullied into submission, I am scared of my own son. This is worse than the marriage I left because I do not know how to escape this.

I want to work out how I get back in charge again as the adult, as the parent. Eldest needs to get a life of his own without demanding I do everything for him and punishing me when I do not or cannot or do not do it fast enough by ignoring me when I talk to him, scream abuse at me, rip into me verbally about all he thinks I am or should be, does not eat the meals I make when he gets the hump for god knows what reason. Blames me for everything. IT IS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT.

Youngest needs to stand on his own two feet. Get out of the house more, have friends. No matter what he is offered he just refuses and I am desperate for a break. He needs to get out of his room before it affects his mental health and mine and he needs to quit the disgusting talk that he knows upsets me.

I need to get secure and permanent housing for life. I need a job and not just for the money, so that I can have friends of my own, a routine, structure. I want to continue my education, get counselling and have peace and quiet and peace of mind. I need to learn to drive to give me a bit of freedom and independence. I know I have always been too afraid to take risks as always I thought what would happen to the boys if anything happened to me, I am still living this life for others and not for me and it is my life. I need adult company with people who have interests like me.