Has me by the short and curlies

8/6/09

Eldest comes to me and tells me he is “not happy about how we are living” as my stbx is never paying maintenance and we are struggling financially, eldest wants to know “what kind of job” he can do and “what qualifications” he would need to get work, “how does he get them” “what will I do if you drop down dead” then answers his own question by saying “ I will just top myself” I said I would look into it all for him and not to be ridiculous about killing himself as he is only a bairn. He took his first overdose at age 15 so I am worried sick about his words and I and we need help so where the frig is it.

10/6/09 I am so tired and not sleeping well at all.

I ring Martin at Gheel and asked him if I was now going to be seeing him from now on and I that I would like to clear the air regards my texts and calls still being ignored by him as I was losing trust in a service that could just ignore a mother begging for help. He said the honest answer is he does not know, the CEO is Peter and Peter makes the appointments and the decisions” He goes on that he can see me once a week to vent. I ask is venting a new service then, no reply from him. Gobshite. 

Went shopping late for me, it was lashing down with rain after being nice all day, just back into the house and was unpacking the shopping when I said something to eldest and he just ignored me. I pulled him up about it as I am far too tired to take anything more from him, he said that I had ignored him last week when I was in the toilet and he wanted to talk to me, he tells me that I am “a useless and ignorant cunt” I could not believe it and burst into tears in sheer bloody frustration at constantly trying my hardest doing everything for my kids on my own. I wish I could just walk out the door and never look or think back but I am not made that way. How can I be shown no love, respect, love or decency, I am nothing to them, but everything they need, I feel like a used up old rug, ready to be thrown out into a skip. I just want one normal day when I wake up happy and have no one curse me out for no good damn reason at all except what they are thinking.

He tells me that he has found a website on career directions and that I have to look it up and read it and print out anything that can tell him how to do IT and Law. I did, he then says he is not going to do the online free courses on Computing because he cannot sit and read it on the computer screen, he says it hurts his eyes. That is a crock of shit, he has no problems sitting in front of a computer screen for hours on end, no problems playing computer games, no problems reading crap then pouring it down my throat because I am a “fucking liberal” according to him.

He wants to be a politician, a Lawyer, a Barrister, a Field Service Computer Engineer and all from his bedroom, he wants me to buy him suits and ties to wear. I think he thinks I have a bloody magic wand. 

He is complaining his room is too small, but he has the biggest room in the house, Youngest's room is coffin size, mine is not much bigger, he wants to know what kind of house we will have to move to, he won't shut up, he will not leave me alone, this is mild, when he starts he goes at me full throttle.  I am his personal slave, his whipping post, his venom board. I cannot live like this, he will put me in an early grave. I hate this but I'v no choice, mothers normally don't.

I ask him if he is hungry, he shouts “NO AS I HAVE JUST TAKEN A FUCKING XANAX” This son of mine sucks any life force within me, he has an aura of misery and cloaks all in his path with this.  I sometimes wish there was a camera installed in the house so I could record and play how he is back to him, the way he is, the way he talks, orders, shouts, screams, curses, demands, the way he demeans me, disrespects me, is just frigging horrible to both me and his brother,  he cannot possibly think for a minute with a normal brain that what he does to us is acceptable or even normal.

As usual he gets an idea into his head and wants a quick fix so says he is not eating anything except cereal and water and he does 50k on his exercise bike each day. 

Did I mention he has had agoraphobia since 2006.