Puddled brain

Eldest comes into living room at 9pm and sits and watches Only Fools and Horses with me. It made him laugh, it was nice, it was normal, it felt like my son had returned,  thank god for a bit of light relief.

27/5/09

Eldest wants €300 on his 3V card, I told him I have a lot on today, he tells me to get a cab there and back and he will pay for it and that it wont take me that long to do it. I have somewhere else to be and the only place I can get what he wants is in town. He is getting on my nerves.

He wants a chat at 8pm, he kept me awake till 2am, the same conversation over and over and over again, all about his “dad, why was I stupid enough to marry a man like that, why did I stay with a man like that, whose great idea was it to move to this country in the first place? ” I am pissed off big time, I want peace,  I want him to leave me alone, I am normally in bed for 10pm, I am an early riser but I just answer his questions as best I can calmly and quietly and not say what I really want to say which is go fuck off and leave me the hell alone, go find your father and annoy the hell out of him and give me a break. I am not brave enough to say that. He then wants to know “where do you think that this will all end up” and “why are you not fighting for our legal rights” he tells me what he wants to do job wise, “computers first then he wants to be a lawyer in the UK” He tires me out, he drains me. He flits from being calm and logical to being emotional and aggressive in nano seconds, I never know if what I say will make him turn on me so I have to always tread very carefully. Some fucking life this is. No book came with instructions for what he has, he does not know either so god help us both.