No thanks with this

15/6/09

My son's special food shop, I bought him wraps, turkey slices, all kinds of fruits, he wants to try them all, yogurts with no bits in large pots, orange juice, came to €31, I am raging at the cost.

He says “you need to sort my room out, I want you to make it look bigger but I cant be in the room when you do cos you'll give me a major panic attack” I never saw him have any panic attack in his life. He then in the same breath wants me to go to town for him and gives me his cash card, and tells me to take €400 out and get him suits, 5 t shirts in black only,100 pairs of boxer shorts, 100 pairs of socks and new drawers to put them in. No way am I getting that many. Youngest and I go to Argos for the drawers and they weigh a tonne. It was a miserable experience getting them to a taxi rank as are so heavy. Youngest spent 4 hours in his brothers sauna like bedroom putting the drawers together for him and not one thanks did he get, he refused to allow youngest to open his window in case any insects or wasps or bees got in. He finished the day by screaming at youngest “what is your fucking problem” because he was asked why he needed a suit to wear when he does not leave the house at all.  I do not like my son very much at all just now, I love him but I do not like him. He is always sullen, moody, abusive, aggressive, a bully, no thanks out of him. He is just horrible to us. He wont eat, I know it's because of the heat, I try to get him to have a shower to cool him down, he tells me “fuck off, what the fuck would you know”

He has now decided he wants to re take his Junior Cert so he passes with all A's, he wants to then sit his Leaving Cert exams, he wants a book case and all the school books he will need to study for exams, he says he will teach himself, he does not want to wait until next year, he wants me to sort it out now and contact someone so he does not have to go into a school, he tells me I could have and should have sorted all this out the past 3 years (inside my head I am telling him to fuck off but I'm never brave enough to say it to his face) he says he is bored, he says all he does is sleep, he says all he does is go on his computer and then go to bed. I feel like screaming that he is not handicapped, he is not chained to the house, he can do anything he wants but I say nothing, when he is in his order mum about mode it will only lead to a real meltdown and explosion and all I want is peace.

He tells me he does now believe he has some traits of Aspergers Syndrome as he cannot read facial signs and he has to stand on his tip toes, this is huge for him acknowledging this, I wait and see if he says more about it so I can open up a proper conversation but no, he just walks away, he is too hot to even think straight.

16/6/09 I'm tired, drained, miserable and lonely. I need help and support and a break, just a little break.

He comes into the kitchen, he is not happy, he never frigging is happy, I ask him if he is OK, he answers  "no, computer is not working"  I ask him if he is hungry, he just ignores me. I could throttle him.

Weird lumps have come up on my arms, stress is a bollix.

I am getting seriously worried about Youngest now, he never goes out except to the local shop, a mere minute away or he comes out with me, he has no mates, all he talks about is guns, knives and Pokemon. Surely this is not normal for a teen his age.

Eldest comes downstairs, he wants me to go out and get him all books on the subjects he is telling me to write now and go get for him now. "No it cannot wait till tomorrow" 

Eldest has seriously pissed me off. I spent all morning on the phone to the Examination Board, the man I spoke to could not believe son has had no education in three years. He told me what the law was, I told him to take it up with the powers that be and I would be grateful if he answered the questions I have.  How does my son who does not leave the house sit exams. He tells me son can sit exams as an external candidate but that he has to be registered with a school and follow their syllabus. He took all son's details plus his Junior Cert results and tells me that he would advise he go straight for the Leaving Cert as the Junior Cert is not that important. I told him I am blue in the face telling son that but he is insisting he re sits his Junior Cert so he gets all A's.

Rang the Education Welfare help line, spoke to Joe, a nice man, I was on phone for ages and found out for youngest that to do an apprenticeship he has to find someone to take him on himself and then contact FAS and tell them but the way things are, it wont be easy he said.

Found out that Kilroy college do the Leaving Cert online.

I printed out loads of info on all Leaving Cert subjects for eldest then found out from the same website that they do IT by Distance Learning,I  printed all that out to and took up to eldest, all he could say was “you never fucking listen to me, never listen to a fucking word I say, I cannot learn on line as I cannot read from a computer” He is talking nonsense, all his learning to date has been done online. I wilted at his non stop negativity, I just said I have spent hours on the bloody phone and used up all my ink printing this stuff for you, I did not ask you to read anything on your computer, why have I all these pages in my hand for you to read and I walked out of his room.

I sat with my head in my hands at the kitchen table, I have so much court stuff to get in order re the ex not paying a cent and just wasted a whole morning for what, not even a thank you out of him.

He later came into kitchen when I was surrounded with documents trying to put them in order for my court file and said “I want €200 on my 3V card,” not a please out of him, no asking me if you have the time, no asking me if I can. Just a bloody demand. And I always give in for an easy life but there is nothing frigging easy and certainly nothing easy.

19/6/09 Lay in my bed this morning just thinking I cannot do this any more. Both my children are acting mental. Why am I putting myself at these boys beck and call when they have not a thought in their puerile brain for their mother. I want out of this, I want gone from this, this will never change, they will never change. I have no one, no one to help me. But the bloody help should be there, should be here and should be active NOW.

Youngest tells me he gave the new X Box game I bought to his brother who said “why the fuck would I want that then” God give me strength.