2014

I wanted to spend Xmas plus New Year on my own and I did and I did not cry for once in my life, ice seems to have taken hold of my heart, my soul however hurts badly. I did not eat, I did not have one drink, I am a strange “alcoholic” because I have never been dependent on booze in my life, seemingly just because I enjoyed 4 vodka's on a weekend if I could afford it, that made me an alcoholic.

I received happy New Year texts from the lads I met as a client and a volunteer who were in town and encouraging me to go down to join them. I love those men, my friends but I could not, I am not back to normal yet and doubt I ever will be ever again.

As far as Gheel Autism Services is concerned. Do not touch with a barge pole if you want to keep your family intact. Do not go near if your family has a crisis. Do not go near if your children have Aspergers Syndrome and other issues too. Do not go near if you want to retain your sanity. Do not go near if you believe professionals should put up and shut up as this lot do not, they take everything personally and ignore you completely. If anyone has found a voice for themselves and their kids, good but it does not matter re this service, you do not count. Do not ask for anything, do not ask what they are providing, do not ask them to give a shit. It does not matter if your kid is running you out of your house at the end of a 20 inch carving knife. It does not matter that you attend a conference meeting of all professionals, one a Consultant Psychiatrist who tells you that a world renowned Autism experts report and recommendations should be looked at and implemented and once again is ignored by all around that meeting, and all had been recorded by me and now on my computer and another place and with a person I trust if anything happens to me. It does not matter if your kid is taking repeated overdoses of medication, it does not matter that they are cutting themselves to smithereens with brand new fucking Stanley knife blades, It does not matter that the Garda put that son out because I the Mum could not take any more and did not want to live myself anymore and told Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services and they did fuk all as per usual yet get paid massive bucks by the HSE.

How much and what for they will not answer, why not? 

“Cushtie” as Del Boy would say, in my opinion, my sons did not generate enough money for them via the HSE whilst they were still in my care for them to actually give a shit for the lives of both me and my sons whilst I was trying desperately to cope with them and hold it together all alone. Lives held in their inept hands, families fall apart because they do fuck all. They have young men, mostly unmarried, mostly have no kids, mostly not a fucking clue what 21 years of Domestic Abuse at the hands and mouth and feet of your grown son with Aspergers can do to a mother. Their staff are all trained apparently in what, Christ only knows because all I got was platitudes, bullshit, lies, the run around, answer questions with a question, only one of them was decent enough to tell me to put all in writing so there would be a record, I appreciated him, decent lad, but only that, a lad, not a fucking clue what effect my sons had on me, “ a cancerous cunting whore” “I hope you die a slow and painful death and I hope it's at my hands” no matter who you are, these words would penetrate the hardest of hearts and hurt you, unfortunately I have the softest heart because I am their mother. 

Clever or what of Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services I am still awaiting their answer. They will not answer at all. I found out online that they also provide "Project Engage" what a crock of shit. My son was still at school 2012, not a mention of that project, not a mention of it to son or to me by them. My family was torn asunder. AND I AM NOT TO FUCKING BLAME FOR THAT AND NO ONE WILL TRY AND SAY OTHERWISE.

Another year is over. My life is over. One day my sons will realise what a mum they had in me and not the one they want to portray to a world that does not care. Off course by then it will be far too late as I will not be here for them to ever hear them say sorry if they ever will be. Only time will tell and time is one thing I no longer have, want or need.

By: Michael Jackson “One Day in Your Life”

“One day in your life
You'll remember a place
Someone touching your face
You'll come back and you'll look around, you'll
One day in your life
You'll remember the love you found here
You'll remember me somehow
Though you don't need me now
I will stay in your heart
And when things fall apart
You'll remember one day
One day in your life
When you find that you're always waiting
For a love we used to share
Just call my name, and I'll be there
You'll remember me somehow
Though you don't need me now
I will stay in your heart
And when things fall apart
You'll remember one day
One day in your life
When you find that you're always lonely
For a love we used to share
Just call my name, and I'll be there.

2014

My eldest emailed the father he apparently feared and hated in January of this year. I am not in the least bit surprised except at his sheer stupidity of forgetting all his prior history with his father. He asked his father not to let anyone know, he made his father “promise” and his father promised him then forwarded his emails to his ex girlfriend who in turn sent them to me. Rub my nose in it why don't you. I don't even care except for the lies he is telling, no change there then, like father, like son. He claims I “threw him out” because he threw a remote control at me” what a crock of shit.

The ex's ex girlfriend when I politely told her I wanted no more contact with her after finding out she was as close to the ex as she ever was started harassing me with non stop texts and emails.  In 8 short weeks whilst I had to attend Pieta House for the suicidal because I had fallen apart and needed holding up to keep me on planet earth she sent me almost 2000 texts and 800 emails.

Youngest I have seen twice now as I travelled by Dart to Kilbarrack, he was going in the opposite direction from Raheny and I had an emotional meltdown on that train and had to get off, not as strong as I thought I was, tears came gushing out of me and I hate crying, it's not the done thing to cry in public but I could not help it.

He writes about "Love Actually" and "Al Green" and "square sausages" so I know he is thinking about me his little Mam. 

It is enough to spin your brain and mind on it's axis, my baby, the closest child I had to me, who went everywhere with me, who I love with every fibre of my being, who kept me sane, alive, smiling, laughing, kept me company, how could he have completely disappeared and leave me a foul mouthed, hurtful being in his place. I remember words from childhood that pained me so deep so I was always conscious not to make that mistake with my boys, that old saying “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” is so wrong, you always remember every nasty word said to you and about you, I do and it hurts as much as it did in my childhood. My youngest like his brother ended up abusing and torturing my mind and my soul to the point of non recovery for me ever. I wish them well, I wish them every happiness and success in their lives but I will never forgive them, they just copied their father which is a disgrace after them both seeing first hand what their father did to me and then used their “disability”and whatever label they could acquire to excuse themselves. It is inexcusable.

I thought in hindsight that they would have displayed some of their mother in them that would have steered them well, the only parent who stayed the distance despite all abuse, poverty, loneliness, despair, I see now I was fighting a losing battle, I should not have bothered at all, yet I am proud of myself for doing so, for putting them first, for always being at home for them, for never giving up and following my own path of a decent adult relationship for myself and the potential happiness I could have had, plenty of other single parents do so.  I am proud of fighting for our legal rights which was a total joke in the end and another story in itself. 

My sons hatched into their father despite me, despite me giving ithem my all, it was a losing battle I should never have fought, I had no chance at all, my only excuse is the total love and adoration I had for my sons. I am proud to declare this, coming from someone who had no mother and not a clue how to mother, it was a surge of ecstasy within me when they exited my womb and took their own first breath and looked into my eyes, a love like no other will ever exist.

I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them every single second of every single day, I feel like I now have a split personality, one minute I detest them for all they said and done to me, and by God it has been oh, so very bad, you would have had to live it to appreciate the extent of it, the severity of it all, but I ache and I love them and that is how “abuse” of any kind starts, remains and perpetuates.

A lobotomy would have been helpful in my own personal case. “Tough as old boots and thrice as ugly” has always been my mantra, yet I am as soft as putty. What I am is a survivor, I have had to be, sink or swim, give up or give in, that has not ever been in my vocabulary nor my personality, until now. I do give up, I do give in, yes you win so please tell me what the game was, what was at stake, what was I supposed to do, because I genuinely do not know, all I know is I want my boys whom I love and adore back and not these awful abusive men with this awful fucking late diagnosed disability on top of depression and mental health destructive problems and suicidal tendencies that I could not cope with, how could I when they themselves could not, when Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services did not, could not, would not. Bastards, Useless Bastards. 

And so I was left as a very fragile vulnerable woman with no other life, no human in her life except two agencies with three people called Joan, Nora and Rosemary, I would be dead without them, I still wish I was dead as this is no life at all, no life at all, it hurts, memories hurt, the abuse, mental, physical, verbal, the loss of my sons is like a bereavement, the sons I had disappeared, left my life, this is not normal or natural, it's as if they were stolen in the night and left monsters in their place, yet sometimes gave me glimpses of who they still were and so my love for them remained, yet did not sustain them enough to love me back, to be loyal to the only parent who ever loved them. I cannot make sense of it at all, I will never get over it, I will never be free, or in peace, in mind or body as stress really does affect the body and the health of mind and spirit too. 

It's a pity Dublin North HSE and Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services did not train themselves or their staff to give a shit for the CARER, they still don't as they will not answer one fucking question asked by me since 2009 and demanded by others also. Who the hell do they think they are, accepting millions of Euro's from the public purse to provide services and supports yet do not do so and ignore the very people they are supposed to help and provide for.

I am still fighting for answers from HSE Dublin North and Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services. I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain except the truth which I will get one day or die in the process and my journals, full names and all will be securely online to let anyone who cares read and know that I existed and all the TRUTH as it happened and when it happened will be told. No one will be able to remove it from online, the TRUTH will be there for ever more even tho I probably will not be.

My sons, I know from history re their father who lied as easily as he took breath will no doubt inherently deny every utterance of mine both written and audio recorded as proof, it's a self preservation thing for them and also their genetics,  but hand on my broken heart, as god (who I no longer believe in) is my witness, as the rivers flow, as miracle's unfold, as the world spins, all and every word I write, say and state is true, how could it not be, you could not make any of this up.

A professional body is looking into my mammoth complaint but I will not hold my breath at all, it will not give me back the children I had, loved, adored and lost and would have died for and almost did.

It is a strange old world we live in, cities are being blown apart, people are dying but not in our back yard so we do not feel their pain, their suffering, their grief, their angst, not even our neighbours do we know any more.

People need people, it is how we exist, how we integrate, survive, we need acknowledgement, encouragement, socialisation, it is how we matter, what I would have given for someone to have noticed my tears, fears, anguish, I sat on top of a coal bag outside my own front door often enough with tears running down my face and not one person passing by saw me, perhaps they did and were just too busy, how did the world become this way, I think we should all get back to basics, love thy neighbour, such hypocrisy from a now non believer but I do still believe in decency and morals and the goodness of human nature.

I have not had any contact with my youngest since he ran away in January 2013 after he was sectioned after giving himself a horrific wound on his arm with a brand new Stanley Knife that tipped me over the edge and Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services did not give a shit about and ignored.

I have not had any contact with my eldest since August 2013 which almost killed me as he was more vulnerable than my youngest and Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services sent me a reply in response to another agency contacting them on my behalf to find out if my son was alive and well telling me that eldest son wanted no contact with me at all as I was apparently stressing him out yet they told this agency that I could write to my son via them and it would be passed on to him. This was sent to me not on their “headed notepaper” the day after Mothers Day. I feel like a criminal or a paedophile that should not have been allowed near my own children yet I did nothing wrong at all except become unable to cope with all their abuse which was foretold and diagnosed and various "immediate recommendations" made by an Autism expert back in 2008 and Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services did jack shit about and nor did Dublin North HSE, how do they get away with this, destroy families, destroy lives, sit back till carers are burnt out, families torn apart because a sole parent cannot cope with two sons with Asperger's Syndrome and their depression and their mental health issues. Am I a fucking robot. Apparently so, a mere minion, cannon fodder, a nobody.

I am still a mum, I still love my sons, I still adore my sons, I still miss my sons and I will post the truth as it all happened and bugger the consequences. What is the worse that can happen, the worse has already happened. 

2014 No other words needed.

Mark Shultz "He's My Son"


I'm down on my knees again tonight,

I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right.

See, there is a boy that needs Your help.

I've done all that I can do myself

His mother is tired,

I'm sure You can understand.

Each night as he sleeps

She goes in to hold his hand,

And she tries

Not to cry

As the tears fill her eyes.

Can You hear me?

Am I getting through tonight?

Can You see him?

Can You make him feel all right?

If You can hear me

Let me take his place some how.

See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep,

I dream of the boy he'd like to be.

I try to be strong and see him through,

But God, who he needs right now is You.

Let him grow old,

Live life without this fear.

What would I be

Living without him here?

He's so tired,

And he's scared

Let him know that You're there.

Can You hear me?

Am I getting through tonight?

Can You see him?

Can You make him feel all right?

If You can hear me

Let me take his place some how.

See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Can You hear me?

Am I getting through tonight?

Can You see him?

Can You make him feel all right?

If You can hear me

Let me take his place somehow.

See, he's not just anyone.

Can You hear me?

Can You see him?

Please don't leave him,

He's my son.

This is what he is asking for so where is it professionals?

23/6/09 

Rang Carol Doolan the Disability Manager, she is now back from holidays but not in her office, I left my numbers. She rang me at 2.50pm, she said that she and Peter Byrne did not have a meeting about my family, she said they had attended a normal weekly meeting and she brought my name up to Peter afterwards. I asked for a meeting, I am given Monday 29^th at 10am.

Eldest asks have I heard anything back from the HSE about funding for his education yet as he wants to be a Barrister. I told him that I have a meeting on Monday and will talk to Gheel Autism Services about it to.

I ring Peter Byrne at Gheel, tell him I have had talk with eldest re “what he would like” and he wants an education but I have exhausted all avenues myself and need their input now. He tells me to talk to Martin about it as this was the same as talking to him. I tell him that I see Martin to vent, Peter says “it's the same thing” I do not know what the hell this place is about, I did not bother going back to Martin, he has as much social skills as my son. What is needed is practical help, advice, supports and services so where the hell are they.

29/6/09 

I meet Carol Doolan Disability Manager Dublin North HSE she introduces me to a woman called Teresa who deals with Five years and younger with Autism. My son is now 17, I have been roaring for help and supports since 2006.  I ask Carol has she read the HSE file from Sligo, I am told no but there is a very large file on the table between us, I give Carol my copy of Dr Shah's report and immediate recommendations, she leaves the room to get it copied. Teresa is left talking to me, tells me I do not have to worry as she has worked with many families before who are dysfunctional. That stunned me and I had no fast reply for her as I normally would have done. Carol returns, she tells me she will talk to Peter Byrne of Gheel and see what is needed regards the file, but eldest needs to be on Dublin's database before anything can be done, I tell her he is on Sligo database, she tells me it's not as simple as that, I remind her that I have been told this for two months now so why is my son not already on this database and what happens when he turns 18, the meeting is ended, Carol tells me that anything I need just call her or go through Gheel, I ask what happens now as I have been in this situation since 2006 and am tired, weary and very stressed, she tells me we can talk later or I can talk to Gheel myself. I am asked is it an HSE diagnosis as if this changes my son's diagnosed Aspergers Syndrome and other problems, the fool. It clearly states on the report that Sligo HSE asked Dr Shah to diagnose and report and I was told at the time "at great expense to the HSE". 

Waste of money in my personal view as fuck all has been done about it and I was told by Irish Autism Action at the time that what this expert recommended HAD to be implemented. 

Wipe feet here!

Both boys are still in bed at 3pm. I went to the village for shopping, they did not eat dinner till 7pm. I gave eldest a tablet, I was actually praying that he did not come near me once the tablet had kicked in and then lecture me on subjects I am not in the least bit interested in. I need to work out how I get back in “I am the parent” mode as they are walking all over me and wiping their bloody feet on me too, I am sick of being bullied into submission, I am scared of my own son. This is worse than the marriage I left because I do not know how to escape this.

I want to work out how I get back in charge again as the adult, as the parent. Eldest needs to get a life of his own without demanding I do everything for him and punishing me when I do not or cannot or do not do it fast enough by ignoring me when I talk to him, scream abuse at me, rip into me verbally about all he thinks I am or should be, does not eat the meals I make when he gets the hump for god knows what reason. Blames me for everything. IT IS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT.

Youngest needs to stand on his own two feet. Get out of the house more, have friends. No matter what he is offered he just refuses and I am desperate for a break. He needs to get out of his room before it affects his mental health and mine and he needs to quit the disgusting talk that he knows upsets me.

I need to get secure and permanent housing for life. I need a job and not just for the money, so that I can have friends of my own, a routine, structure. I want to continue my education, get counselling and have peace and quiet and peace of mind. I need to learn to drive to give me a bit of freedom and independence. I know I have always been too afraid to take risks as always I thought what would happen to the boys if anything happened to me, I am still living this life for others and not for me and it is my life. I need adult company with people who have interests like me.

No thanks with this

15/6/09

My son's special food shop, I bought him wraps, turkey slices, all kinds of fruits, he wants to try them all, yogurts with no bits in large pots, orange juice, came to €31, I am raging at the cost.

He says “you need to sort my room out, I want you to make it look bigger but I cant be in the room when you do cos you'll give me a major panic attack” I never saw him have any panic attack in his life. He then in the same breath wants me to go to town for him and gives me his cash card, and tells me to take €400 out and get him suits, 5 t shirts in black only,100 pairs of boxer shorts, 100 pairs of socks and new drawers to put them in. No way am I getting that many. Youngest and I go to Argos for the drawers and they weigh a tonne. It was a miserable experience getting them to a taxi rank as are so heavy. Youngest spent 4 hours in his brothers sauna like bedroom putting the drawers together for him and not one thanks did he get, he refused to allow youngest to open his window in case any insects or wasps or bees got in. He finished the day by screaming at youngest “what is your fucking problem” because he was asked why he needed a suit to wear when he does not leave the house at all.  I do not like my son very much at all just now, I love him but I do not like him. He is always sullen, moody, abusive, aggressive, a bully, no thanks out of him. He is just horrible to us. He wont eat, I know it's because of the heat, I try to get him to have a shower to cool him down, he tells me “fuck off, what the fuck would you know”

He has now decided he wants to re take his Junior Cert so he passes with all A's, he wants to then sit his Leaving Cert exams, he wants a book case and all the school books he will need to study for exams, he says he will teach himself, he does not want to wait until next year, he wants me to sort it out now and contact someone so he does not have to go into a school, he tells me I could have and should have sorted all this out the past 3 years (inside my head I am telling him to fuck off but I'm never brave enough to say it to his face) he says he is bored, he says all he does is sleep, he says all he does is go on his computer and then go to bed. I feel like screaming that he is not handicapped, he is not chained to the house, he can do anything he wants but I say nothing, when he is in his order mum about mode it will only lead to a real meltdown and explosion and all I want is peace.

He tells me he does now believe he has some traits of Aspergers Syndrome as he cannot read facial signs and he has to stand on his tip toes, this is huge for him acknowledging this, I wait and see if he says more about it so I can open up a proper conversation but no, he just walks away, he is too hot to even think straight.

16/6/09 I'm tired, drained, miserable and lonely. I need help and support and a break, just a little break.

He comes into the kitchen, he is not happy, he never frigging is happy, I ask him if he is OK, he answers  "no, computer is not working"  I ask him if he is hungry, he just ignores me. I could throttle him.

Weird lumps have come up on my arms, stress is a bollix.

I am getting seriously worried about Youngest now, he never goes out except to the local shop, a mere minute away or he comes out with me, he has no mates, all he talks about is guns, knives and Pokemon. Surely this is not normal for a teen his age.

Eldest comes downstairs, he wants me to go out and get him all books on the subjects he is telling me to write now and go get for him now. "No it cannot wait till tomorrow" 

Eldest has seriously pissed me off. I spent all morning on the phone to the Examination Board, the man I spoke to could not believe son has had no education in three years. He told me what the law was, I told him to take it up with the powers that be and I would be grateful if he answered the questions I have.  How does my son who does not leave the house sit exams. He tells me son can sit exams as an external candidate but that he has to be registered with a school and follow their syllabus. He took all son's details plus his Junior Cert results and tells me that he would advise he go straight for the Leaving Cert as the Junior Cert is not that important. I told him I am blue in the face telling son that but he is insisting he re sits his Junior Cert so he gets all A's.

Rang the Education Welfare help line, spoke to Joe, a nice man, I was on phone for ages and found out for youngest that to do an apprenticeship he has to find someone to take him on himself and then contact FAS and tell them but the way things are, it wont be easy he said.

Found out that Kilroy college do the Leaving Cert online.

I printed out loads of info on all Leaving Cert subjects for eldest then found out from the same website that they do IT by Distance Learning,I  printed all that out to and took up to eldest, all he could say was “you never fucking listen to me, never listen to a fucking word I say, I cannot learn on line as I cannot read from a computer” He is talking nonsense, all his learning to date has been done online. I wilted at his non stop negativity, I just said I have spent hours on the bloody phone and used up all my ink printing this stuff for you, I did not ask you to read anything on your computer, why have I all these pages in my hand for you to read and I walked out of his room.

I sat with my head in my hands at the kitchen table, I have so much court stuff to get in order re the ex not paying a cent and just wasted a whole morning for what, not even a thank you out of him.

He later came into kitchen when I was surrounded with documents trying to put them in order for my court file and said “I want €200 on my 3V card,” not a please out of him, no asking me if you have the time, no asking me if I can. Just a bloody demand. And I always give in for an easy life but there is nothing frigging easy and certainly nothing easy.

19/6/09 Lay in my bed this morning just thinking I cannot do this any more. Both my children are acting mental. Why am I putting myself at these boys beck and call when they have not a thought in their puerile brain for their mother. I want out of this, I want gone from this, this will never change, they will never change. I have no one, no one to help me. But the bloody help should be there, should be here and should be active NOW.

Youngest tells me he gave the new X Box game I bought to his brother who said “why the fuck would I want that then” God give me strength.

Has me by the short and curlies

8/6/09

Eldest comes to me and tells me he is “not happy about how we are living” as my stbx is never paying maintenance and we are struggling financially, eldest wants to know “what kind of job” he can do and “what qualifications” he would need to get work, “how does he get them” “what will I do if you drop down dead” then answers his own question by saying “ I will just top myself” I said I would look into it all for him and not to be ridiculous about killing himself as he is only a bairn. He took his first overdose at age 15 so I am worried sick about his words and I and we need help so where the frig is it.

10/6/09 I am so tired and not sleeping well at all.

I ring Martin at Gheel and asked him if I was now going to be seeing him from now on and I that I would like to clear the air regards my texts and calls still being ignored by him as I was losing trust in a service that could just ignore a mother begging for help. He said the honest answer is he does not know, the CEO is Peter and Peter makes the appointments and the decisions” He goes on that he can see me once a week to vent. I ask is venting a new service then, no reply from him. Gobshite. 

Went shopping late for me, it was lashing down with rain after being nice all day, just back into the house and was unpacking the shopping when I said something to eldest and he just ignored me. I pulled him up about it as I am far too tired to take anything more from him, he said that I had ignored him last week when I was in the toilet and he wanted to talk to me, he tells me that I am “a useless and ignorant cunt” I could not believe it and burst into tears in sheer bloody frustration at constantly trying my hardest doing everything for my kids on my own. I wish I could just walk out the door and never look or think back but I am not made that way. How can I be shown no love, respect, love or decency, I am nothing to them, but everything they need, I feel like a used up old rug, ready to be thrown out into a skip. I just want one normal day when I wake up happy and have no one curse me out for no good damn reason at all except what they are thinking.

He tells me that he has found a website on career directions and that I have to look it up and read it and print out anything that can tell him how to do IT and Law. I did, he then says he is not going to do the online free courses on Computing because he cannot sit and read it on the computer screen, he says it hurts his eyes. That is a crock of shit, he has no problems sitting in front of a computer screen for hours on end, no problems playing computer games, no problems reading crap then pouring it down my throat because I am a “fucking liberal” according to him.

He wants to be a politician, a Lawyer, a Barrister, a Field Service Computer Engineer and all from his bedroom, he wants me to buy him suits and ties to wear. I think he thinks I have a bloody magic wand. 

He is complaining his room is too small, but he has the biggest room in the house, Youngest's room is coffin size, mine is not much bigger, he wants to know what kind of house we will have to move to, he won't shut up, he will not leave me alone, this is mild, when he starts he goes at me full throttle.  I am his personal slave, his whipping post, his venom board. I cannot live like this, he will put me in an early grave. I hate this but I'v no choice, mothers normally don't.

I ask him if he is hungry, he shouts “NO AS I HAVE JUST TAKEN A FUCKING XANAX” This son of mine sucks any life force within me, he has an aura of misery and cloaks all in his path with this.  I sometimes wish there was a camera installed in the house so I could record and play how he is back to him, the way he is, the way he talks, orders, shouts, screams, curses, demands, the way he demeans me, disrespects me, is just frigging horrible to both me and his brother,  he cannot possibly think for a minute with a normal brain that what he does to us is acceptable or even normal.

As usual he gets an idea into his head and wants a quick fix so says he is not eating anything except cereal and water and he does 50k on his exercise bike each day. 

Did I mention he has had agoraphobia since 2006. 

Some people are just too strange for words.

2/6/09

Met Martin from Gheel. I ask him straight out why is he meeting me when he has ignored my previous texts and calls, he says because Peter told him to and Peter is the boss. What a funny and strange little man. I cannot work him out at all, all smiles, acts friendly enough but you just know that he would rather be any place else than with you, I can normally read people well enough except my own bloody kids. We have tea and he just let me talk for an hour. He said he could meet me at the Fairview office every week on a Wednesday, I asked why, he said well you can if you like. I don't have clue what his job is. He says that he has to clear it with Peter first.

I call Carol Doolan's office again and I am told she is on holiday for two weeks.

I receive a letter from the latest TD who I went to see as I have gotten absolutely nowhere regards anyone meeting my son's extensive special needs. The letter is a reply from the HSE saying that I personally made contact with Carol Doolan and that Peter Byrne of Gheel Autism Services has agreed to organise an assessment of my son's needs and get back to the HSE about it and that Gheel will offer support to me.

What !!  My son already has an extensive Diagnostic Assessment Report dated November 2008 and many Recommendations were made by a renowned Autism expert, Dr Amitta Shah and now seven months had gone past from when that report was issued and no one has done anything to meet my son’s special needs despite my continual attempts to have these implemented. The assessment has been done, the recommendations made which were stated as "immediate"  so why even are they attempting to start all over again from square one.

Crock of shit

29/5/09

Peter Byrne of Gheel Autism Services rings me, he had a meeting with Carol Doolan Dublin North Disability Manager yesterday, who stated she was very concerned about me and my family, she asked Peter who I have only met once and he has never met my eldest, what she should do in the way of services, he told her to leave it until he had spoken to me, that he is going on holiday. He told me that he has asked Martin to contact me regard a meeting, I tell him I have given up contacting Martin myself as I had texted and rang and got no reply, he asked me what number I had for Martin,  yes he said that is the right number, he said it was very unusual but I could take it up with Martin when he contacted me. I ask what has he done about Dr Shah's report and recommendations, he tells me that will all be discussed when he returns from his holiday.

Martin of Gheel calls me, says he cannot remember getting any texts or calls, I said they are still logged on my phone, he says he does not know how it happened and he is sorry. He wants to meet me next week.

I ring the Disability Manager Carol Doolan's Dublin North HSE office and say I want a face to face meeting so she can personally meet the woman she told Peter Byrne of Gheel Autism Services she is very concerned about and I would like to introduce myself.

I also want to ask her

1/ Why has she not contacted me directly if she is so concerned, she has my contact numbers.

2/ Why is she asking Gheel Autism Services what she should do in the way of services when they have not met my son nor asked me bugger all about him.

3/ Why was I not informed about any meeting regards my family.

I am told that Carol is not free, I am then asked am I sure I am in the right catchment area for them, I said off course I am otherwise, why on earth would I be ringing you, my number is taken and I am told I will get a call back. No one calls me.

Puddled brain

Eldest comes into living room at 9pm and sits and watches Only Fools and Horses with me. It made him laugh, it was nice, it was normal, it felt like my son had returned,  thank god for a bit of light relief.

27/5/09

Eldest wants €300 on his 3V card, I told him I have a lot on today, he tells me to get a cab there and back and he will pay for it and that it wont take me that long to do it. I have somewhere else to be and the only place I can get what he wants is in town. He is getting on my nerves.

He wants a chat at 8pm, he kept me awake till 2am, the same conversation over and over and over again, all about his “dad, why was I stupid enough to marry a man like that, why did I stay with a man like that, whose great idea was it to move to this country in the first place? ” I am pissed off big time, I want peace,  I want him to leave me alone, I am normally in bed for 10pm, I am an early riser but I just answer his questions as best I can calmly and quietly and not say what I really want to say which is go fuck off and leave me the hell alone, go find your father and annoy the hell out of him and give me a break. I am not brave enough to say that. He then wants to know “where do you think that this will all end up” and “why are you not fighting for our legal rights” he tells me what he wants to do job wise, “computers first then he wants to be a lawyer in the UK” He tires me out, he drains me. He flits from being calm and logical to being emotional and aggressive in nano seconds, I never know if what I say will make him turn on me so I have to always tread very carefully. Some fucking life this is. No book came with instructions for what he has, he does not know either so god help us both.

Those little things are getting me down

23/5/09 

Eldest scared the life out of me by screaming blue murder about an earwig, you would have thought he was being murdered the noise he was making. Youngest went into his bedroom to kill it for him but just got a mouthful of abuse to “fuck off”.

24/5/09

I took clean bedding into eldest's bedroom, all was going well until I chucked what I just took off his bed onto the bedroom floor, he screamed at me that I “was giving him a panic attack and doing it on purpose” He frightened the life out of me screaming at me like that. I told him to quit screaming at me as he was going to make me have a heart attack, he then throws all the clean clothes sitting on top of his drawers out of his room and on to hall way floor, he tells me that I “have contaminated everything now and they all had to be washed again now they were no longer clean” I wanted to strangle him. God knows why I have not snapped yet, I am truly scared that one day I will as this is a frigging daily nightmare, he makes my head spin and my nerves on edge every minute of every day. My bloody washing line has snapped too so I need a new one. The kitchen is now like a Chinese laundry with clothes and bedding piled high for washing and they were all clean not ten minutes ago.

I text adopted daughter to see if she is free for a chat, I tell her about eldest, I told her I am walking on so many egg shells that my feet feel cut to shreds, she said “he is nought but a cheeky fecker and to just boot him up the hole” that made me laugh. I would have every professional at my door if I threatened to do this to eldest for real.

Visiting a TD

I am sick the amount of TD's I have gone to with a file of our history, it is humiliating and they do sod all but send you a letter saying "I am representing you" I could wall paper a whole wall with such letters.

I heard of one who "is good" so off I went to see him.

20/5/09

I went to a TD, cannot remember his name, white hair, weird moustache but very nice man. He sent me a letter, he had asked a question in the Dial for me, the reply was “it's a service issue” (no shit Sherlock) and has been referred back to the HSE in Dublin North. I just think, here we go on the merry-go round yet again. Nought changes at all.

Halting Palpitations

15/5/09

Eldest is spending cash like it is going out of fashion on pure crap that he then just sets aside, I have tried all banks for him to join but he needs photo ID and he will not go out to get any so I found out he can have a post office account called Post Bank without ID so that is now set up for him.

I went to my GP and gave him back the Lexapro tablets, telling him that it is not chemicals I need, it's a life, a break, a holiday, my son back to normal and a muzzle for my younger son who pains me so badly with how he talks to me. The GP said he understands how difficult it must be for me. I told him about my palpitations, I last had them as bad as this when I left the ex, not like bubbles rising up to the throat, it's like a mule kicking me in the chest and takes my breath away and stops me in my tracks. He puts me on Xanax .25mg twice a day. I cannot let my eldest get his hands on these. I only take half of one in the morning and again at night. It has stopped the palpitations so I will continue taking them for the time being. 

Stress

11/5/09

I had weird chest pain and my bottom lip has gone numb, it's not the usual neuralgia I get as the rest of one side of my face is not affected. I rang D Doc at 8pm and got told to get to North Strand to see a doctor. The place was empty so I went straight in to the doctor, and she asked what my family life was like, I found that strange but I told her everything going back to 2005. She said my symptoms are caused by severe stress and I need to access help and supports and she gave me Lexapro tablets, I took one and I was awake all night long. No way am I taking them again. I get little enough sleep as it is. If it's help and supports I need it is help and supports I will get by hook or by crook.

Professional my arse!!

11/3/09

Youngest son's tutors second visit to the house. After an hour he tells me he needs some fresh air and asked youngest to go out with him, Son said he was fine where he was, I said if you are going out can you get my gas card topped up as the shop was only a minute away at end of our cul de sac so son said ok. They took a long time but I just thought the shop would be busy with school kids and workers getting hot food so there would be a big queue.

I was looking out of the window when I saw both youngest and the tutor at the bottom of the street far away from the shop and wondered where the hell they had been. Youngest walks in to the house and makes a circle with his finger at his temple, in other words telling me the man is crazy. They carried on at the kitchen table on school work. I thought no more about it till the man left the house.

Youngest then erupted, he said the tutor had told him not to go into the shop, that he could do that when he got back as he wanted to stretch his legs (I am thinking I will stretch his neck when I get a hold of him) so he had my son walk with him to the Dart station and back, a good 15 min walk there and back. I asked son why the hell did he not just say no and get home, he roars at me “because you fucking made me go” and “because he is the boss, the one in charge” I said I asked you to go and get my gas card topped up at the shop and the shop is there, one minute away from us. He tells me that the tutor was quizzing him about his brother, about his dad, what’s his name? Is he Irish? Where does he live? What does he do for a living? Youngest said he just tried to ignore Tutor but that Tutor repeated his questions and he felt he had to answer because he has been raised to respect adults. (except his mother in his eyes) Then the tutor asked him did he and his brother have the same dad. I was fuming, I rang him straight away but his phone went to voice mail, I did not leave any message as I would have been arrested with what I wanted to say to him. That man is in big trouble. I told son he should have had more bloody sense to leg it away from the man at his age and he tells me it is all my fault. Yeah off course it is as per bloody usual.

12/3/09

Youngest and I went to Northern Ireland so I could go to Iceland. The tutor was due at 1pm but the train back was running late.

The train was 45 minutes late getting back. I rang the tutor as soon as I got off. I said my son will no longer have you as his tutor, what you did yesterday was totally out of order and I will be making an official complaint about it. He asks do I want to meet him face to face and would son be there so he can explain, I asked son and he said “no way, he makes me feel uncomfortable as it is” so I declined his offer. I then asked him who the hell he thought he was and how dare he overstep the mark, telling my son not to go into the shop his mother had asked him to go to, how dare he make my son walk with him, a stranger, how dare he quiz my son about his brother and father and how dare he ask my son if he and his brother had the same dad. He says he saw my mouse mat photo of the boys next to the computer and could see a lot of me in the boys, I said anything in my house has bugger all to do with him, how is anything his business, that my family have bugger all to do with him, that he is paid to tutor my son for education purposes, he says he is sorry, that he was just making conversation and he was just curious, that made me worse, I told him he is a disgrace. He asks can he come to the house and apologise and explain to son, I said no and tell him he is one bloody strange man. My heart was going like the clappers when I got off the phone and youngest was laughing. I told him it wasn't bloody funny and he had better grow a pair of balls and should have told me all that was said the minute he got back with that man yesterday, it was like the social worker trying to go into eldest's room with no asking or permission  all over again, why only bloody tell me after it happens and these people are gone.

When I get home the tutor is ringing me, he asked to speak to youngest, I said you are not speaking to my son and if you go anywhere near my son at all I will swing for you. I sent a complaint to Anna Livia Tutors and rang the Education Welfare Officer, she said that is men for you. Anna Livia Tutors rang me, a man said he is very sorry about my experience but the tutor was not one of theirs as they got rid of him two years ago after many complaints about him but they would make sure that youngest had a 1^st class tutor. I assume that strange man must have been an acquaintance of the Education Welfare Officer as she was the one who sent him. She was an extremely nice woman but he was a total tosser.

So you want an Education

9/3/09
In an attempt to get my kids an education which is their right by law I rang the Education Welfare a couple of weeks ago and asked what was the alternative to school for youngest as I am not letting him slip thru the no education cracks as he is very intelligent. The Education Welfare Officer rings me, she has a tutor for youngest for 9 hours per week. I am happy about that and only hope he is too as it's a start.

"Not School" came to the house with the equipment to set Eldest up with an education, I am so happy about it. A lovely Scottish lady came to the house with a young man, they spent two hours going thru it all and supplied a new phone line, a mac computer, which eldest loves and a digital camera, it is based on the Australian model of teaching, all on line course work with access to a tutor 24 hours a day so always someone on line day and night, he can also if he likes talk to other student from all over the world on line and will get a certificate every time he completes a course. Eldest son was very eager and chatted to them both. I thought thank you god, he will now have something to focus on. As soon as the lady and young man left the house, Eldest says “I am not fucking doing that, it's for kids” he rendered me speechless. I was so frustrated with him that I cried. All that time spent by those people and by him acting as if he was keen and eager and smiling and talking and he says this only when they have gone. Ungrateful shit, I am furious at him. I had to call the lady up and tell her, I am so embarrassed after all the effort they went to.