Just found out that the CEO, Peter Byrne of Gheel Autism (no fukin) Services took my youngest son to a Psychiatric appointment when he was in total distress after overdosing in 2014 and a few days later slashed his wrist (he had never done this before) but this fine upstanding CEO fat twat decided to tell my son during this journey to this appointment that his Mother had this blog and so son read it. What kind of "Professional" does this. A desperate one I think.

This CEO of Gheel Autism (no fukin) Services has a son Darragh Byrne who was previously a Car Salesman and his father invited him to lead the Outreach Team he was forming, Irish nepotism at it's finest. This fine upstanding idiot had not a clue regarding families going thru hell on earth so Christ knows why he was put in charge of any kind of Autism or the families involved. I reckon his new pay grade may have had something to do with this but a carer nor an expert does it make him or ever will. Keep it in the family, why don't you!!

He was my "Key Support Worker" my off loading ear,he was useless, as I told him personally and by email, I have a bra that gives me more support than you do. Funny that all my emails that will soon be on this site were ignored by both him and his Father.

Luckily, I did not trust him (which stood me in good stead) or his co workers at all and recorded them all, I just hope I can upload all to this website.

Bring it on !! But be very prepared.

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2014

I wanted to spend Xmas plus New Year on my own and I did and I did not cry for once in my life, ice seems to have taken hold of my heart, my soul however hurts badly. I did not eat, I did not have one drink, I am a strange “alcoholic” because I have never been dependent on booze in my life, seemingly just because I enjoyed 4 vodka's on a weekend if I could afford it, that made me an alcoholic.

I received happy New Year texts from the lads I met as a client and a volunteer who were in town and encouraging me to go down to join them. I love those men, my friends but I could not, I am not back to normal yet and doubt I ever will be ever again.

As far as Gheel Autism Services is concerned. Do not touch with a barge pole if you want to keep your family intact. Do not go near if your family has a crisis. Do not go near if your children have Aspergers Syndrome and other issues too. Do not go near if you want to retain your sanity. Do not go near if you believe professionals should put up and shut up as this lot do not, they take everything personally and ignore you completely. If anyone has found a voice for themselves and their kids, good but it does not matter re this service, you do not count. Do not ask for anything, do not ask what they are providing, do not ask them to give a shit. It does not matter if your kid is running you out of your house at the end of a 20 inch carving knife. It does not matter that you attend a conference meeting of all professionals, one a Consultant Psychiatrist who tells you that a world renowned Autism experts report and recommendations should be looked at and implemented and once again is ignored by all around that meeting, and all had been recorded by me and now on my computer and another place and with a person I trust if anything happens to me. It does not matter if your kid is taking repeated overdoses of medication, it does not matter that they are cutting themselves to smithereens with brand new fucking Stanley knife blades, It does not matter that the Garda put that son out because I the Mum could not take any more and did not want to live myself anymore and told Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services and they did fuk all as per usual yet get paid massive bucks by the HSE.

How much and what for they will not answer, why not? 

“Cushtie” as Del Boy would say, in my opinion, my sons did not generate enough money for them via the HSE whilst they were still in my care for them to actually give a shit for the lives of both me and my sons whilst I was trying desperately to cope with them and hold it together all alone. Lives held in their inept hands, families fall apart because they do fuck all. They have young men, mostly unmarried, mostly have no kids, mostly not a fucking clue what 21 years of Domestic Abuse at the hands and mouth and feet of your grown son with Aspergers can do to a mother. Their staff are all trained apparently in what, Christ only knows because all I got was platitudes, bullshit, lies, the run around, answer questions with a question, only one of them was decent enough to tell me to put all in writing so there would be a record, I appreciated him, decent lad, but only that, a lad, not a fucking clue what effect my sons had on me, “ a cancerous cunting whore” “I hope you die a slow and painful death and I hope it's at my hands” no matter who you are, these words would penetrate the hardest of hearts and hurt you, unfortunately I have the softest heart because I am their mother. 

Clever or what of Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services I am still awaiting their answer. They will not answer at all. I found out online that they also provide "Project Engage" what a crock of shit. My son was still at school 2012, not a mention of that project, not a mention of it to son or to me by them. My family was torn asunder. AND I AM NOT TO FUCKING BLAME FOR THAT AND NO ONE WILL TRY AND SAY OTHERWISE.

Another year is over. My life is over. One day my sons will realise what a mum they had in me and not the one they want to portray to a world that does not care. Off course by then it will be far too late as I will not be here for them to ever hear them say sorry if they ever will be. Only time will tell and time is one thing I no longer have, want or need.

By: Michael Jackson “One Day in Your Life”

“One day in your life
You'll remember a place
Someone touching your face
You'll come back and you'll look around, you'll
One day in your life
You'll remember the love you found here
You'll remember me somehow
Though you don't need me now
I will stay in your heart
And when things fall apart
You'll remember one day
One day in your life
When you find that you're always waiting
For a love we used to share
Just call my name, and I'll be there
You'll remember me somehow
Though you don't need me now
I will stay in your heart
And when things fall apart
You'll remember one day
One day in your life
When you find that you're always lonely
For a love we used to share
Just call my name, and I'll be there.

2014

My eldest emailed the father he apparently feared and hated in January of this year. I am not in the least bit surprised except at his sheer stupidity of forgetting all his prior history with his father. He asked his father not to let anyone know, he made his father “promise” and his father promised him then forwarded his emails to his ex girlfriend who in turn sent them to me. Rub my nose in it why don't you. I don't even care except for the lies he is telling, no change there then, like father, like son. He claims I “threw him out” because he threw a remote control at me” what a crock of shit.

The ex's ex girlfriend when I politely told her I wanted no more contact with her after finding out she was as close to the ex as she ever was started harassing me with non stop texts and emails.  In 8 short weeks whilst I had to attend Pieta House for the suicidal because I had fallen apart and needed holding up to keep me on planet earth she sent me almost 2000 texts and 800 emails.

Youngest I have seen twice now as I travelled by Dart to Kilbarrack, he was going in the opposite direction from Raheny and I had an emotional meltdown on that train and had to get off, not as strong as I thought I was, tears came gushing out of me and I hate crying, it's not the done thing to cry in public but I could not help it.

He writes about "Love Actually" and "Al Green" and "square sausages" so I know he is thinking about me his little Mam. 

It is enough to spin your brain and mind on it's axis, my baby, the closest child I had to me, who went everywhere with me, who I love with every fibre of my being, who kept me sane, alive, smiling, laughing, kept me company, how could he have completely disappeared and leave me a foul mouthed, hurtful being in his place. I remember words from childhood that pained me so deep so I was always conscious not to make that mistake with my boys, that old saying “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” is so wrong, you always remember every nasty word said to you and about you, I do and it hurts as much as it did in my childhood. My youngest like his brother ended up abusing and torturing my mind and my soul to the point of non recovery for me ever. I wish them well, I wish them every happiness and success in their lives but I will never forgive them, they just copied their father which is a disgrace after them both seeing first hand what their father did to me and then used their “disability”and whatever label they could acquire to excuse themselves. It is inexcusable.

I thought in hindsight that they would have displayed some of their mother in them that would have steered them well, the only parent who stayed the distance despite all abuse, poverty, loneliness, despair, I see now I was fighting a losing battle, I should not have bothered at all, yet I am proud of myself for doing so, for putting them first, for always being at home for them, for never giving up and following my own path of a decent adult relationship for myself and the potential happiness I could have had, plenty of other single parents do so.  I am proud of fighting for our legal rights which was a total joke in the end and another story in itself. 

My sons hatched into their father despite me, despite me giving ithem my all, it was a losing battle I should never have fought, I had no chance at all, my only excuse is the total love and adoration I had for my sons. I am proud to declare this, coming from someone who had no mother and not a clue how to mother, it was a surge of ecstasy within me when they exited my womb and took their own first breath and looked into my eyes, a love like no other will ever exist.

I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them every single second of every single day, I feel like I now have a split personality, one minute I detest them for all they said and done to me, and by God it has been oh, so very bad, you would have had to live it to appreciate the extent of it, the severity of it all, but I ache and I love them and that is how “abuse” of any kind starts, remains and perpetuates.

A lobotomy would have been helpful in my own personal case. “Tough as old boots and thrice as ugly” has always been my mantra, yet I am as soft as putty. What I am is a survivor, I have had to be, sink or swim, give up or give in, that has not ever been in my vocabulary nor my personality, until now. I do give up, I do give in, yes you win so please tell me what the game was, what was at stake, what was I supposed to do, because I genuinely do not know, all I know is I want my boys whom I love and adore back and not these awful abusive men with this awful fucking late diagnosed disability on top of depression and mental health destructive problems and suicidal tendencies that I could not cope with, how could I when they themselves could not, when Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services did not, could not, would not. Bastards, Useless Bastards. 

And so I was left as a very fragile vulnerable woman with no other life, no human in her life except two agencies with three people called Joan, Nora and Rosemary, I would be dead without them, I still wish I was dead as this is no life at all, no life at all, it hurts, memories hurt, the abuse, mental, physical, verbal, the loss of my sons is like a bereavement, the sons I had disappeared, left my life, this is not normal or natural, it's as if they were stolen in the night and left monsters in their place, yet sometimes gave me glimpses of who they still were and so my love for them remained, yet did not sustain them enough to love me back, to be loyal to the only parent who ever loved them. I cannot make sense of it at all, I will never get over it, I will never be free, or in peace, in mind or body as stress really does affect the body and the health of mind and spirit too. 

It's a pity Dublin North HSE and Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services did not train themselves or their staff to give a shit for the CARER, they still don't as they will not answer one fucking question asked by me since 2009 and demanded by others also. Who the hell do they think they are, accepting millions of Euro's from the public purse to provide services and supports yet do not do so and ignore the very people they are supposed to help and provide for.

I am still fighting for answers from HSE Dublin North and Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services. I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain except the truth which I will get one day or die in the process and my journals, full names and all will be securely online to let anyone who cares read and know that I existed and all the TRUTH as it happened and when it happened will be told. No one will be able to remove it from online, the TRUTH will be there for ever more even tho I probably will not be.

My sons, I know from history re their father who lied as easily as he took breath will no doubt inherently deny every utterance of mine both written and audio recorded as proof, it's a self preservation thing for them and also their genetics,  but hand on my broken heart, as god (who I no longer believe in) is my witness, as the rivers flow, as miracle's unfold, as the world spins, all and every word I write, say and state is true, how could it not be, you could not make any of this up.

A professional body is looking into my mammoth complaint but I will not hold my breath at all, it will not give me back the children I had, loved, adored and lost and would have died for and almost did.

It is a strange old world we live in, cities are being blown apart, people are dying but not in our back yard so we do not feel their pain, their suffering, their grief, their angst, not even our neighbours do we know any more.

People need people, it is how we exist, how we integrate, survive, we need acknowledgement, encouragement, socialisation, it is how we matter, what I would have given for someone to have noticed my tears, fears, anguish, I sat on top of a coal bag outside my own front door often enough with tears running down my face and not one person passing by saw me, perhaps they did and were just too busy, how did the world become this way, I think we should all get back to basics, love thy neighbour, such hypocrisy from a now non believer but I do still believe in decency and morals and the goodness of human nature.

I have not had any contact with my youngest since he ran away in January 2013 after he was sectioned after giving himself a horrific wound on his arm with a brand new Stanley Knife that tipped me over the edge and Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services did not give a shit about and ignored.

I have not had any contact with my eldest since August 2013 which almost killed me as he was more vulnerable than my youngest and Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services sent me a reply in response to another agency contacting them on my behalf to find out if my son was alive and well telling me that eldest son wanted no contact with me at all as I was apparently stressing him out yet they told this agency that I could write to my son via them and it would be passed on to him. This was sent to me not on their “headed notepaper” the day after Mothers Day. I feel like a criminal or a paedophile that should not have been allowed near my own children yet I did nothing wrong at all except become unable to cope with all their abuse which was foretold and diagnosed and various "immediate recommendations" made by an Autism expert back in 2008 and Gheel Autism (no fucking) Services did jack shit about and nor did Dublin North HSE, how do they get away with this, destroy families, destroy lives, sit back till carers are burnt out, families torn apart because a sole parent cannot cope with two sons with Asperger's Syndrome and their depression and their mental health issues. Am I a fucking robot. Apparently so, a mere minion, cannon fodder, a nobody.

I am still a mum, I still love my sons, I still adore my sons, I still miss my sons and I will post the truth as it all happened and bugger the consequences. What is the worse that can happen, the worse has already happened. 

2014 No other words needed.

Mark Shultz "He's My Son"


I'm down on my knees again tonight,

I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right.

See, there is a boy that needs Your help.

I've done all that I can do myself

His mother is tired,

I'm sure You can understand.

Each night as he sleeps

She goes in to hold his hand,

And she tries

Not to cry

As the tears fill her eyes.

Can You hear me?

Am I getting through tonight?

Can You see him?

Can You make him feel all right?

If You can hear me

Let me take his place some how.

See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep,

I dream of the boy he'd like to be.

I try to be strong and see him through,

But God, who he needs right now is You.

Let him grow old,

Live life without this fear.

What would I be

Living without him here?

He's so tired,

And he's scared

Let him know that You're there.

Can You hear me?

Am I getting through tonight?

Can You see him?

Can You make him feel all right?

If You can hear me

Let me take his place some how.

See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Can You hear me?

Am I getting through tonight?

Can You see him?

Can You make him feel all right?

If You can hear me

Let me take his place somehow.

See, he's not just anyone.

Can You hear me?

Can You see him?

Please don't leave him,

He's my son.

This is what he is asking for so where is it professionals?

23/6/09 

Rang Carol Doolan the Disability Manager, she is now back from holidays but not in her office, I left my numbers. She rang me at 2.50pm, she said that she and Peter Byrne did not have a meeting about my family, she said they had attended a normal weekly meeting and she brought my name up to Peter afterwards. I asked for a meeting, I am given Monday 29^th at 10am.

Eldest asks have I heard anything back from the HSE about funding for his education yet as he wants to be a Barrister. I told him that I have a meeting on Monday and will talk to Gheel Autism Services about it to.

I ring Peter Byrne at Gheel, tell him I have had talk with eldest re “what he would like” and he wants an education but I have exhausted all avenues myself and need their input now. He tells me to talk to Martin about it as this was the same as talking to him. I tell him that I see Martin to vent, Peter says “it's the same thing” I do not know what the hell this place is about, I did not bother going back to Martin, he has as much social skills as my son. What is needed is practical help, advice, supports and services so where the hell are they.

29/6/09 

I meet Carol Doolan Disability Manager Dublin North HSE she introduces me to a woman called Teresa who deals with Five years and younger with Autism. My son is now 17, I have been roaring for help and supports since 2006.  I ask Carol has she read the HSE file from Sligo, I am told no but there is a very large file on the table between us, I give Carol my copy of Dr Shah's report and immediate recommendations, she leaves the room to get it copied. Teresa is left talking to me, tells me I do not have to worry as she has worked with many families before who are dysfunctional. That stunned me and I had no fast reply for her as I normally would have done. Carol returns, she tells me she will talk to Peter Byrne of Gheel and see what is needed regards the file, but eldest needs to be on Dublin's database before anything can be done, I tell her he is on Sligo database, she tells me it's not as simple as that, I remind her that I have been told this for two months now so why is my son not already on this database and what happens when he turns 18, the meeting is ended, Carol tells me that anything I need just call her or go through Gheel, I ask what happens now as I have been in this situation since 2006 and am tired, weary and very stressed, she tells me we can talk later or I can talk to Gheel myself. I am asked is it an HSE diagnosis as if this changes my son's diagnosed Aspergers Syndrome and other problems, the fool. It clearly states on the report that Sligo HSE asked Dr Shah to diagnose and report and I was told at the time "at great expense to the HSE". 

Waste of money in my personal view as fuck all has been done about it and I was told by Irish Autism Action at the time that what this expert recommended HAD to be implemented. 

Wipe feet here!

Both boys are still in bed at 3pm. I went to the village for shopping, they did not eat dinner till 7pm. I gave eldest a tablet, I was actually praying that he did not come near me once the tablet had kicked in and then lecture me on subjects I am not in the least bit interested in. I need to work out how I get back in “I am the parent” mode as they are walking all over me and wiping their bloody feet on me too, I am sick of being bullied into submission, I am scared of my own son. This is worse than the marriage I left because I do not know how to escape this.

I want to work out how I get back in charge again as the adult, as the parent. Eldest needs to get a life of his own without demanding I do everything for him and punishing me when I do not or cannot or do not do it fast enough by ignoring me when I talk to him, scream abuse at me, rip into me verbally about all he thinks I am or should be, does not eat the meals I make when he gets the hump for god knows what reason. Blames me for everything. IT IS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT.

Youngest needs to stand on his own two feet. Get out of the house more, have friends. No matter what he is offered he just refuses and I am desperate for a break. He needs to get out of his room before it affects his mental health and mine and he needs to quit the disgusting talk that he knows upsets me.

I need to get secure and permanent housing for life. I need a job and not just for the money, so that I can have friends of my own, a routine, structure. I want to continue my education, get counselling and have peace and quiet and peace of mind. I need to learn to drive to give me a bit of freedom and independence. I know I have always been too afraid to take risks as always I thought what would happen to the boys if anything happened to me, I am still living this life for others and not for me and it is my life. I need adult company with people who have interests like me.

No thanks with this

15/6/09

My son's special food shop, I bought him wraps, turkey slices, all kinds of fruits, he wants to try them all, yogurts with no bits in large pots, orange juice, came to €31, I am raging at the cost.

He says “you need to sort my room out, I want you to make it look bigger but I cant be in the room when you do cos you'll give me a major panic attack” I never saw him have any panic attack in his life. He then in the same breath wants me to go to town for him and gives me his cash card, and tells me to take €400 out and get him suits, 5 t shirts in black only,100 pairs of boxer shorts, 100 pairs of socks and new drawers to put them in. No way am I getting that many. Youngest and I go to Argos for the drawers and they weigh a tonne. It was a miserable experience getting them to a taxi rank as are so heavy. Youngest spent 4 hours in his brothers sauna like bedroom putting the drawers together for him and not one thanks did he get, he refused to allow youngest to open his window in case any insects or wasps or bees got in. He finished the day by screaming at youngest “what is your fucking problem” because he was asked why he needed a suit to wear when he does not leave the house at all.  I do not like my son very much at all just now, I love him but I do not like him. He is always sullen, moody, abusive, aggressive, a bully, no thanks out of him. He is just horrible to us. He wont eat, I know it's because of the heat, I try to get him to have a shower to cool him down, he tells me “fuck off, what the fuck would you know”

He has now decided he wants to re take his Junior Cert so he passes with all A's, he wants to then sit his Leaving Cert exams, he wants a book case and all the school books he will need to study for exams, he says he will teach himself, he does not want to wait until next year, he wants me to sort it out now and contact someone so he does not have to go into a school, he tells me I could have and should have sorted all this out the past 3 years (inside my head I am telling him to fuck off but I'm never brave enough to say it to his face) he says he is bored, he says all he does is sleep, he says all he does is go on his computer and then go to bed. I feel like screaming that he is not handicapped, he is not chained to the house, he can do anything he wants but I say nothing, when he is in his order mum about mode it will only lead to a real meltdown and explosion and all I want is peace.

He tells me he does now believe he has some traits of Aspergers Syndrome as he cannot read facial signs and he has to stand on his tip toes, this is huge for him acknowledging this, I wait and see if he says more about it so I can open up a proper conversation but no, he just walks away, he is too hot to even think straight.

16/6/09 I'm tired, drained, miserable and lonely. I need help and support and a break, just a little break.

He comes into the kitchen, he is not happy, he never frigging is happy, I ask him if he is OK, he answers  "no, computer is not working"  I ask him if he is hungry, he just ignores me. I could throttle him.

Weird lumps have come up on my arms, stress is a bollix.

I am getting seriously worried about Youngest now, he never goes out except to the local shop, a mere minute away or he comes out with me, he has no mates, all he talks about is guns, knives and Pokemon. Surely this is not normal for a teen his age.

Eldest comes downstairs, he wants me to go out and get him all books on the subjects he is telling me to write now and go get for him now. "No it cannot wait till tomorrow" 

Eldest has seriously pissed me off. I spent all morning on the phone to the Examination Board, the man I spoke to could not believe son has had no education in three years. He told me what the law was, I told him to take it up with the powers that be and I would be grateful if he answered the questions I have.  How does my son who does not leave the house sit exams. He tells me son can sit exams as an external candidate but that he has to be registered with a school and follow their syllabus. He took all son's details plus his Junior Cert results and tells me that he would advise he go straight for the Leaving Cert as the Junior Cert is not that important. I told him I am blue in the face telling son that but he is insisting he re sits his Junior Cert so he gets all A's.

Rang the Education Welfare help line, spoke to Joe, a nice man, I was on phone for ages and found out for youngest that to do an apprenticeship he has to find someone to take him on himself and then contact FAS and tell them but the way things are, it wont be easy he said.

Found out that Kilroy college do the Leaving Cert online.

I printed out loads of info on all Leaving Cert subjects for eldest then found out from the same website that they do IT by Distance Learning,I  printed all that out to and took up to eldest, all he could say was “you never fucking listen to me, never listen to a fucking word I say, I cannot learn on line as I cannot read from a computer” He is talking nonsense, all his learning to date has been done online. I wilted at his non stop negativity, I just said I have spent hours on the bloody phone and used up all my ink printing this stuff for you, I did not ask you to read anything on your computer, why have I all these pages in my hand for you to read and I walked out of his room.

I sat with my head in my hands at the kitchen table, I have so much court stuff to get in order re the ex not paying a cent and just wasted a whole morning for what, not even a thank you out of him.

He later came into kitchen when I was surrounded with documents trying to put them in order for my court file and said “I want €200 on my 3V card,” not a please out of him, no asking me if you have the time, no asking me if I can. Just a bloody demand. And I always give in for an easy life but there is nothing frigging easy and certainly nothing easy.

19/6/09 Lay in my bed this morning just thinking I cannot do this any more. Both my children are acting mental. Why am I putting myself at these boys beck and call when they have not a thought in their puerile brain for their mother. I want out of this, I want gone from this, this will never change, they will never change. I have no one, no one to help me. But the bloody help should be there, should be here and should be active NOW.

Youngest tells me he gave the new X Box game I bought to his brother who said “why the fuck would I want that then” God give me strength.